I’ve had the pleasure of photographing Elisa and Nick and their family (and their family’s horses!) many times over the years. I LOVE when it’s time for another session with them because they are just the sweetest and so laid back. But I also love them because they keep it real.
Elisa has been very open with her struggles with miscarriage and infertility. Her story, which she has given me permission to share, shows the true grit of those experiencing infertility and the unwavering determination and bravery of going through the process of IVF. If this picture, her pregnancy announcement for Nolan, doesn’t speak for itself. I encourage you to read on to see a glimpse of the rollercoaster they went through to welcome their sweet little guy to this world.
Fast forward to our last session at the beach, when Elisa and Nick pulled out a “Big Brother” shirt for little Nolan. My whole body was instantly covered in goosebumps in the 90-degree heat. ANOTHER MIRACLE BABY! They’re soon going to be a family of four! If you are the 1 in 4 women who have experienced a miscarriage or the 1 in 8 women who struggle with infertility, I hope their story offers you support, hope and inspiration. This is not it for you. Don’t give up!
October 16, 2020, from Elisa's Facebook page:
Trigger warning ahead - The first time it happened, I was walking on a treadmill on a Friday evening. Everything you read says light exercise is so important during pregnancy.....but here I was....cramping and bleeding like crazy. I panicked, but Nick was his usual calm self and called the off hours emergency number for our IVF clinic, even though they had officially discharged us to the regular OB clinic. But since I hadn’t yet been in to see an OB, they said to come in first in the morning and they would check me out. Don’t panic they said.....lots of women have bleeding.....I tried (in vain) to stay calm and get some sleep, but the truth is I cried for the next 10 hours till we drove in silence to the clinic. We had tried for a long time, then finally gotten in to a reproductive specialist who ran a million tests before telling us we basically had zero chance of getting pregnant without help....and not just any help. I was put on the most aggressive IVF protocol. To our surprise, we managed to get three embryos. They implanted two, and one took! Even though we had such horrible chances of getting pregnant, once we were, it never crossed my mind that within a few weeks I could lose it.....until I did. We walked in silence into the clinic. Our sweet nurse and the phlebotomist were so kind and tried to reassure us, but the look of pity on their faces made it all so clear. I got a call later that day confirming what we already knew. We went home and I curled up on the couch and slept/cried for the next two days. I blamed myself (to be honest, even though I know better now, I still do). We made an appointment to follow up with our doctor a few weeks later to try to understand....but there was nothing to understand about it.....it’s a shit deal and it’s earth shattering. We were officially part of the 1 in 4 club. We were also part of the 1 in 8 club....two clubs I wouldn’t wish on anyone....they felt like life sentences. We managed to pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off after a time, and we tried again....
This time I was sitting in my office....minding my own business and preparing for a meeting. This time I was a complete ball of nerves, and I did the complete opposite of what I had down the last time, even though I KNOW it wasn’t because I was walking on a treadmill, I most certainly had a case of PTSD about it, so I was literally inert the second time around.....walking only from my car to my office and back. About ten minutes before my meeting, it happened and I knew instantly. Of course it was on a Friday afternoon again. I ran out of my office to my car, lab coat around my waist.....I emailed the people I was to meet my apologies and called Nick....who again was calm and rock steady, despite the fact that his world was probably shattering too. Another tear-filled sleepless night passed and we were back in our doctors office first thing the next morning. This time our embryologist was the one who greeted us....we knew the drill and it was obvious what was happening, so instead of trying to convince us all might still be ok, he gave me a hug and said to have faith, they would figure it out. So again we went home to grieve and put ourselves back together....I say that, but you never really put yourself back together after that. I felt like I was broken, like it was all my fault, like it might never happen.
After IVF round 5, I remember being so guarded....I didn’t smile when I got the call that our first HCG levels were positive, or again after the second test, or even after we saw the heartbeat at our first ultrasound. I was too scared to get my hopes up. And again when I was sitting quietly in my office on a Friday afternoon, I started bleeding and cramping...here we go again. I called Nick then went home and cried on the couch till the next morning. We walked in, sad faces all around again....we walked into the ultrasound room fully expecting a fresh round of heartbreak, but instead we saw a heartbeat. Despite being fully convinced of another miscarriage, there was baby Nolan....our miracle . I bled on and off for the next five or six weeks but literally lived in fear for my entire pregnancy. I’m talking a full blown panic attack with every cramp or spot or anything. Thank god for our saint of an OB who sweetly responded to every panicked email we sent and reassured us every step of the way.
I know most of this is probably TMI for most people....but I am sure that someone out there right now needs to read this, so for that person, wherever you are....you will survive this. It never leaves you....you will never forget the babies you lost, because let’s be honest, they were babies....you made plans for them, had dreams of what they would look like and who they might become. It’s a loss that will ache forever. But you will survive it and life will be sweet again. Miscarriage is something people don’t talk about a lot, and I understand why....the shame, self-doubt and guilt feel unbearable....But IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Read that again....IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! This sucks to be part of this club, but we are....and if you are too and you need a shoulder to cry on or an safe place to vent, my door is always open....I see you and I’m praying for you.
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